Re-evaluating my thoughts: the D word
The timing on this little vacation of mine has been interesting: later this month, this blog will hit it’s first year anniversary. Will i be back by then? Eh, possibly. Not sure. In the past few days, i’ve been doing a lot of thinking of what i’ve seen, heard, and learned over the past year. I’m thinking i might do a series of posts about this, but now that i’ve said that, it’s just as likely that i won’t. Anyway, it should go without saying that this is all In My Humble Opinion and Your Mileage May Vary.
Since we just had International No Diet Day, now’s as good a time as any to talk about the dreaded D word.
Strange Lindsay Fact: in my adult life, i have only ever gone on one diet - and it was for health reasons. No, really. I’ll spare you the details, but my body decided it didn’t like sugar. Eating anything with sugar would make me feel tipsy, and the full-body hangover lasted a solid week. So i went on a modified Atkins diet and in about 18 months went from a size 22 to a size 16. I didn’t hate the weight loss, but that wasn’t the primary purpose of the diet. The health condition proved a bit trickier, but is currently not a problem as far as i can tell.
I have never intentionally chosen to diet for purpose of weight loss. In my childhood, i did have a few odd diets inflicted on me. Anything from the “milk is bad for human children” diet to the “you don’t get to eat dinner tonight because you’re fatter than your brother” diet. Sometimes the choice was between going hungry and eating my Cheerios with apple juice instead of milk. Tough call, actually.
So yeah, this apparently makes me something of an anomaly within a FA context. I have never counted calories. I have no earthly idea what my average daily caloric intake is. I eat food because it’s necessary for the continuation of my personal existence, but also because it’s delicious. I could never do a food blog because, honestly? Unless it was something really unique and spectacular, i don’t think it’s worth that much of my attention. I like looking at pictures of food because there are people who treat it as an art form, and make really beautiful looking dishes. I enjoy food when i eat it, and then i tend to forget about it. I do have some food angst, but it’s not related to type or portion size.
As far as other people go? It’s really quite simple. A big part of my body acceptance process was taking ownership of my own body - and recognizing that this body i’m in is the only one i get to have any kind of say over what happens to/with it. On a certain level, telling people they should not diet isn’t much different from telling people they should diet; in either case, someone is trying to impose their thoughts, beliefs and ideals on another sentient human being. Telling someone they should or should not diet can be a form of invalidation, as it might be (or might be interpreted as) an attempt to deny them body autonomy.
If you want to present scientific and medical evidence as to why dieting is good or bad, that’s one thing. I personally feel that attaching moral implications to either side is just plain manipulative.
So whether you diet or you don’t diet - the choice is yours. Just make sure that the reasons behind your decision are Truly Yours as well. If someone ever tries to make you feel bad about that choice, the question is this: what do they get out of your decisions about your body? What do they have to gain from your body-related angst?
If you agree with me and my choices, that’s great and all… but if we disagree and i end up convincing you that i’m right? That’s a form of power. That’s also a form of validation that my own choices are right: if they weren’t right, how could i have convinced you?
The diet debate isn’t simple. Not by a long shot. Hell, if it were simple, a debate wouldn’t be necessary. Both sides engage in cherry picking and apologia. Both sides get pretty fervent on the matter. Both sides are right on some points and wrong on others. Neither side is completely correct, and neither side is right for every single person out there.
What both sides seem to so often miss is that the decision lies with the individual. No ifs ands or buts. No caveats, no clauses. If it’s not your body, it’s not your decision.
There are some potential counter-arguments to that stance, especially in the context of relationships. In those situations, it’s important to know what one is asking of the other. In each situation, the compromise is only as fair as it is informed and mutually agreed upon. Then it’s a matter of “if it’s not your relationship, it’s not your decision.”
I find that the more i learn, the more i think about this, the less i am able to take sides. I know what works for me, but i also know that what works for me doesn’t work for everyone.
I’ve said it a whole bunch of different ways already, but i think this one phrase sums it up almost perfectly: live and let diet.
As far as talking about it, not talking about it… on the boring scale, with 1 being “ninja pirate monkey flipping out like whoa” and 10 being “college football”, i’d put diet talk at about an 11 or 12. (Note: IMO, “watching paint dry” is around a 7 or 8, so that should tell you how i feel about college football.) So i don’t want to talk about it because i think it’s a tedious topic. If someone starts talking about it, i either tune it out or change the conversation. One of the neat things of having done phone based tech support for several years is that you learn how to work a conversation.
One of the things i’ve said in the past is that “dieting is antithetical to fat acceptance”. (Luckily, i’ve also said that i’m allowed to change my mind once in a while.) Whether or not i still agree with that might be entirely irrelevant - the louder voices in FA have said they do not want any dieters in their midst. Whether or not they are actually representative of the majority of the fat acceptance community is irrelevant, as no one seems interested in being louder to the contrary. I don’t care enough either way to pick a side, so i’m certainly not willing to duke it out for either side.
That being said? I do think being exclusionary is antithetical to the concept of acceptance. I don’t have a resolution for that problem. But it is a problem.
May 8th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
I feel you big time about the issue of choice. Dieting can be done for a number of reasons, just as you described.
However, the primary reason dieting is antithetical to FA as far as I’m concerned is that dieting within current modern contexts means “Eating a certain way in order to reduce weight.”
You can shape and shift and wiggle it all you like, but that’s what “dieting” means. My issue with dieting is NOT about the food, or how much you eat. That’s everyone’s personal business. My issue with dieting is that is it telling you that eating a certain way you will lose weight. If the new, hip diet craze was to eat 4000 calories a day, instead of only eating 1000 or something? I’d still have a problem with it. I’d still see it as anthetical to Fat acceptance. Logically, how could I not? How can fat be accepted if it’s something we force away?
That all being said, should anyone be excluded from a movement? Absolutely not. What good would the movement be if it wasn’t accepting of all who will listen? Movements do NOT have to accept all ideas and methods, however.
In the end, if what you are doing is done SOLELY to decrease how much you weight? It is not a part of fat acceptance. It doesn’t make you a bad person, it doesn’t make you a traitor to the cause, but it also doesn’t make that act a part of fat acceptance. It just doesn’t.
(And, again, as I believe I made clear, but will reiterate, eating a certain way and calling it a “diet,” like a vegan diet, or a gluten free diet is NOT what I am talking about. I mean one thing, and one thing only. Dieting to lose weight, the most common connotation of the word in English. Eat however the fuck you want, of COURSE that has nothing to do with me or FA. But when the activity you are doing, in this case eating, is done with the goal of getting rid of fat? How could that possibly fit into an accepting attitude? It just can’t.)
May 8th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
The only problem I have with people who want to lose weight is that I’m always very worried about them. I think they’re basically harming themselves without realizing it - if they knew it and did it anyway, that would be different. That’s why I have a hard time ignoring what they do.
I have no idea what my daily caloric intake is, either - this is because I think I’m just too stupid for the counting. What if you don’t eat all of the food you’ve made, how are you supposed to know how many calories you’ve left out? What if you don’t drink a full glass of orange juice, but only an unknown amount? I don’t know how they do it, seriously.
May 8th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
It’s easy, Zilly. It’s a lot harder for me NOT to count.
May 8th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Did they say no dieters in their midst? Or no diet talk in their midst? I’ve seen more of the second than the first, (granted, I’m mainly at SP and The Rotund) and I think it’s a very different thing.
Heck, I’m FA and I support people respecting their bodies and minds in whatever way works best. I can imagine outlier cases where it might even make scientific sense to diet.
I think maintaining weight loss is hard for some, impossible for many, and the odds are genetically stacked against many people: I think that there is a lot of pain on that road for many. I wouldn’t sign someone UP to dieting, and I want people to know there are alternatives.
But I can support the soldier without supporting the war. I know that dieters need support - I was dieting in one form or another for two decades. However, the world is a hawk on fat - that’s a widely supported choice. Dieting support exists lots of places, whereas not-dieting while fat is seen as “letting yourself go” in many dominant cultures. Not-dieting was never a doctor or educator or entertainment approved choice in my life.
May 8th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Zilly, like Sarah said, it’s harder not to count.
And honestly, while calorie-counting, I *always* finished what I made. Dang it, that 212 calories was all I was getting for lunch, so I’ll be damned if I’m leaving a crumb behind.
I think Karyn sums up things very eloquently. Choosing to diet is up to the individual; trying to find a way to fit it into fat acceptance, though, just can’t work.
May 8th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Oh, I suppose I should specify that I was not talking about calorie counting in order to lose weight, but calorie counting in order to find out how much I normally consume. I can’t very well count my “usual” calories if I eat following a plan, which would be unusual.
May 8th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
I don’t think anyone has said dieters aren’t welcome in FA. Not anyone that I’m reading, anyway. Instead, the statement has been that there is no place for diet TALK in FA and I still support that. I DO believe dieting is antithetical to Fat Acceptance but I also believe in learning curves.
May 8th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
Body autonomy! I meant to mention that in my comment. *grin* Because people’s bodies are their own. I respect people’s choices but I don’t have to agree with them and neither does FA - because FA has a political stance. All of this came up during the conversations about weight loss surgery and the Hanne Blank Goes On A Diet incident and it became really clear that a) No one person is the Queen of Fat Acceptance to make those sorts of exclusionary proclamations anyway and b) even so, it is important to draw political lines in the sand to protect OUR body autonomy. Diets are the culturally approved way to live for women, especially women who are fat. Creating an atmosphere that doesn’t automatically praise that behavior is important, I think, which is why I don’t allow diet talk on my blog. But I know people reading are at plenty of different stages of FA - or not really involved in FA at all. That’s a good thing.
May 8th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
However, the primary reason dieting is antithetical to FA as far as I’m concerned
is that dieting within current modern contexts means “Eating a certain way in order
to reduce weight.”
Karen, i’m not sure if you were intending to come across as incredibly condescending, but that’s how it came across to me. Just FYI.
May 8th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
To clarify my thoughts on the last paragraph of my post…
I totally support the “no diet talk” rule that most people have on their FA blogs, if for no other reason than i think it’s dreadfully boring.
As part of my maintenance for the Links page on this site, i regularly use google’s blog search feature to find more blogs about fat acceptance. A paraphrased amalgam of things i’ve seen WRT the FA community is this: “i like the idea of fat acceptance, but i feel completely unwelcome there because i’m on a diet. I just can’t get behind fat acceptance because they wouldn’t accept me.” Not that their diets wouldn’t be accepted, but that they personally would not be accepted.
How much support are we losing - from the people we are trying to help - by coming across as anti-dieter, not just anti-diet?
I am very worried about people who are constantly wanting to lose weight. That’s why i’m worried about them feeling excluded. If they cannot accept themselves, and find the FA community entirely unwelcoming, what other choice do they have but to lose weight so that someone will find them “acceptable”?
I don’t think anyone has come out and said outright that fat dieters are not welcome in FA. But that’s the message they’re getting. And if that’s the case, then there’s a problem. I wonder how much the stance of “dieting is antithetical to FA” plays a part in that. That is why i am having trouble with that phrase, and with that mindset.
IMO and IME, the term “fat acceptance” refers to fat as an adjective, with the implication of “people”, since “fat-people acceptance” is just really awkward phrasing. I am not talking about “fat acceptance” where fat is a noun - in that case, it would seem to imply that it falls more under the heading of “body acceptance”.
The purpose of F(adj.)A is, as far as i’m aware, acknowledgment that fat people are human, and deserve to be treated as such, that fat people should not be discriminated against because of our size, etc.
Now, if we’re to say that we can only accept the fat people who aren’t trying to “force away” their own fat(noun)? Sounds pretty damn exclusionary to me. Makes me wonder who’ll be next to get crossed off the list of what FA deems “acceptable”.
Well, probably me, lol.
May 8th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
My best friend Lisa had WLS last year. In the FA circles I’ve seen and even run in from time to time, WLS is the ultimate taboo, far worse than dieting. And yet, I completely support Lisa and the decision she made as the best decision for her, even as I remain dubious of the safety and critical of the popularity of WLS. Simply put: It wasn’t my decision to make and I respect that. I wonder sometimes if those FA activists who are absolutely and emphatically anti-WLS aren’t unknowing allies with those who would deny a woman the right to have an abortion, even if she feels her pregnancy threatens her wellbeing.
Karen writes: In the end, if what you are doing is done SOLELY to decrease how much you weight? It is not a part of fat acceptance.
I’m uncomfortable with any one person arbitrarily telling someone if they can or cannot identify as fat acceptance. First, there is no FA dictator or club president who can set the rules for the movement and whom can join. Rather, it’s a broadly based network of communities who all take different stances and approaches, all while sharing the common name and theme of fat acceptance. Second, if we do accept Karen’s statement as a qualifier for fat acceptance, how shall we go about pre-screening whether those people who have or seek to lose weight are “SOLELY” doing it to manipulate size, or those who do it in conjunction with concerns for health? Are we to have fat acceptance tribunals and parade “applicants” out? You’re losing weight because you want to wear smaller clothes? Out! You’re losing weight because you have a health problem and want to wear smaller clothes? Okay, you’re in the club.
I have maintained a significant weight loss for five years now. I do not actively diet to maintain my current weight. Yet, there are those who would refuse to afford me the label of FA activist (even as I choose to identify as a fat rights activist instead) simply because I have lost weight. I don’t think FA should be expected to allow diet talk and I certainly do not believe activists should promote dieting. But I also do not think the issue is the simple one we’ve made it out to be, something I think you’ve highlighted, Lindsay.
In the end, it’s up to each of us to create and subscribe to those communities we feel are best aligned with our own personal ethos, without fear that if our thoughts don’t fall in line with the party line, we will be stripped of our FA membership cards.
May 8th, 2008 at 6:37 pm
In my experience there is no way to make EVERYONE feel welcome. Frankly, I am more concerned that people of color, people of varying sexual orientations and identifications, people in different socioeconomic classes feel welcome in Fat Acceptance. There is only so much bending over backwards I am willing to do and the diet issue is not one on which I am willing to compromise. Seeking to lose weight IS antithetical to Fat Acceptance - and Fat Acceptance doesn’t have to be for everyone.
Do I worry about dieters? Absolutely. But creating an atmosphere that validates their choice to diet is not going to do them any favors.
May 8th, 2008 at 7:10 pm
I’m in something of a similar position. I have fibromyalgia and several members of its posse, and two of them have strong opinions on what I eat. I have IBS. If I don’t eat enough fiber, I have painful consequences. Eating too much fat also has painful consequences. I also have fructose intolerance. So between all that, I can’t eat a lot of what a lot of people call “bad foods” without the full-body hangover you mentioned or a week of gastric distress of a very embarassing sort.
So I am attempting a healthy relationship with food, while having to be profoundly careful about fat content and fiber intake. It’s hard, because I’m not eating that gooey chocolate dessert at the restaurant because I’m on a diet, and I’m not having those delightfully greasy onion rings because I’m watching my food intake. Except, you know, I am. Only not like everybody else. And it’s very, very strange.
May 8th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
I’d only like to say that if someone has anorexia, then I would fully support a diet to gain weight. I read (I think it was on Feed Me!, but maybe it was JFS) that anorexics need about 4,000 calories a day to regain a healthy weight. I think they may not have the intuitive skills to eat what they need without calorie counting. Let’s get them physically and mentally healthy first, then work on food relationships. This doesn’t apply, naturally, to people who are naturally very thin, and healthy at the lower range of weights; they should just eat what their bodies want, which will be what they need.
Otherwise, I think people who are on diets should feel welcome in the fatosphere; where else are they going to learn? Maybe they just want to be more sensitive to a FA friend, and s/he sends them here. They’re more likely to learn and grow into self-acceptance if they have a place at the fire too.
*pictures glowing fireplace with beanbags and comfy couches all ’round full of a variety of people*
May 8th, 2008 at 8:33 pm
I just wanted to say that I don’t have to say anything because The Rotund seems to have said everything I could have thought of. And probably better than I could have said it. Nice.
May 8th, 2008 at 8:34 pm
er, forgot to subscribe.
May 8th, 2008 at 11:03 pm
[...] tried to work this link into the post, but I’m already at 1400 words, and haven’t managed to do it, yet. So [...]
May 8th, 2008 at 11:14 pm
Lindsay, thanks for this post. I started reading the fatosphere pretty recently, and am still on the diet/don’t diet pendulum. (I figure eventually I’ll find my healthy middle ground and all will be well.) BUt even as I struggle with that, I’m grateful to the FA movement because 1) it was the first place where I really thought about dieting being a choice, not an imperative, and b) it reminds me, even when I’m on the dieting side of the pendulum, that my worth as a person is not determined by my dress size.
(Also, I linked to this post. If you read my post, and would rather I not link here, just say so and I’ll remove it. :D)
May 9th, 2008 at 9:37 am
[...] Lindsay’s “Re-evaluating my thoughts: the D word“ [...]
May 9th, 2008 at 11:40 am
It drives me nuts when the: “But it’s about choice!!!” thing comes up in feminism, and I’m not a big fan of it when it comes to fat acceptance either.
Yes, everyone has the right to choose to diet. I can’t take that right away from them, and I wouldn’t if I could because I do believe in bodily autonomy. But I don’t have to support that decision, or pretend it comes from a place of fat acceptance when I don’t believe it does. I’ve seen people on feminist blogs say: “Just because a choice is made by a feminist doesn’t automatically make it a feminist choice” and I think it’s the same with fat acceptance. A person who believes in fat acceptance can choose to diet, but that does not make dieting a pro fat acceptance choice. And you know, living in a sexist and fatphobic society, we all make some choices that are contrary to feminsim and fat acceptance. But if you’re going to do that, own it. Don’t hide behind choice. Instead of saying: “But it’s my choice to diet!!”, own your choice and say: “I know this runs contrary to fat acceptance, but it’s something I feel I need to do right now. I don’t ask you to support my choice, but I ask you to respect it.” That, I could respect. The whole: “But I should be able to do whatever I want and call it fat acceptance” thing, I do not.
And you know, except for one or perhaps two exceptions, I’ve never seen anyone in fat acceptance say: “People who diet are not welcome as part of this community”. I think if dieters are feeling unwelcome, it’s because their choices to diet are being called into question and that makes them uncomfortable. But growth is uncomfortable. I used to read two blogs by brilliant and passionate women of colour (Brownfemipower and BlackAmazon). Reading those blogs made me feel very, very uncomfortable, because the way I lived my life was being called into question. So I stopped reading, because it was easier to say: “This space is not for me, I’m not welcome here” then to ask myself the hard questions. Now those women have stopped blogging, and I find myself regretting my choice to stop reading and wishing I’d read and learned from them when I had the chance. But at no point did it occur to me to think that those women should have watered down their message to make me feel safe and accepted. And I don’t think the fat acceptance movement should have to do that for dieters either.
Sorry for the super long post.
May 9th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
I think if dieters are feeling unwelcome, it’s because their choices to diet are being called into question and that makes them uncomfortable
What makes me ncomfortable are statements that I can’t be for FA or the implications (yes, they are there) that I have nothing to contribute to FA while losing weight - even when I patiently explain to people that any weight loss I achieve is from eating healthier and moving more (i.e. not commercial diets).
In the end I’ve decided that caring what they think is a waste of energy. I have at least sixty people who read my blog on a regular basis. That may not sound like a lot to some but that’s sixty people who regularly read what I have to say.
May 9th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
[i]A person who believes in fat acceptance can choose to diet, but that does not make dieting a pro fat acceptance choice. And you know, living in a sexist and fatphobic society, we all make some choices that are contrary to feminsim and fat acceptance. But if you’re going to do that, own it. Don’t hide behind choice. Instead of saying: “But it’s my choice to diet!!”, own your choice and say: “I know this runs contrary to fat acceptance, but it’s something I feel I need to do right now. I don’t ask you to support my choice, but I ask you to respect it.” [/i]
Becky, you just said perfectly what I took about a bazillion words to say - well, not so perfectly. At this point when I swing back toward dieting, I know that it’s a conscious choice that doesn’t line up with all my beliefs, and not an unconscious choice that allows me to delude myself.
May 9th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Ah, crap. I screwed up the coding.
May 9th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
I agree, Becky has hit the nail on the head.
Devi, if you’re actually eating “healthier” (although no one knows what that means) and not counting calories or anything, then you could just say that you’re practicing HAES and losing weight as a side effect. It may be a diet, but why does it have to be a weight loss diet? Wouldn’t it make more sense to call it a “getting healthier” diet? I’m only curious.