Whenever i get done writing this post, i’m going to be heading off to Walmart. You see, i need to get new pants. I have several pairs of pants, all roughly the same size. I used to have some nice elastic pajama pants, but they’ve disappeared into the laundry black hole that we seem to have in this house.
My pants don’t fit anymore. They’re too small. Uncomfortable, yes, but with fibro it tends to mean more than just uncomfy. I’ve been feeling my tailbone complaining about the way the tightness around my waist has changed the way i sit. The skin on my stomach and thighs feels sunburned from chafe.
What i haven’t been talking about here (partly because i am superstitious and partly because i feel oogy talking about things that make me angsty) is that i had to go for an ultrasound the other day. Lemme bring you up to speed on that. Months ago, when i found my awesome doc, she did a full blood panel. Everything came back fine except one liver enzyme - which, in and of itself, is unusual. When there’s a problem, it’s odd that only one of the liver enzymes should come back off (so she tells me - i know jack about this stuff). We figured maybe it was the supplements or the insane amount of OTC painkillers i’d been taking for the sciatica pain. She said we’d test again in a month and go from there.
A month later, we do another blood test - still just that one number off. Next up was a liver serology, to test for hepatitis antibodies. That also came back clear. So in the name of “better safe than sorry”, she decided it was time for an ultrasound of my liver, gallbladder and kidneys to see if there was anything of note. There was nothing of note. At this point, we test again in the fall and if it’s still off, she’ll refer me to a specialist, because she can’t find anything wrong with me - and it’s not for lack of looking.
But during the ultrasound? That man was pushing into my belly so hard, i think i might have cried if i had less of a pain tolerance than i do. There were a few times when it hurt so bad, i found my entire body tensed up and my toes started wiggling automatically (interesting side note: when i’m in pain, it somehow helps to wiggle my toes; i have no idea why this is - maybe it’s just something else to focus on). Whenever i noticed this, i would go limp, ragdoll style; as weird as it sounds, when in pain, the best thing to do is NOT tense up - so while it can be damn near impossible to relax, it’s necessary to help relieve the pain. I’ve trained myself so well at this that whenever i’m in a lot of pain, i go all noodly without even thinking about it.
Almost half an hour of that left my poor belly bruised up and sore to the touch. Which made me that much more aware of my belly, which made me that much more aware of the size of my belly. No doubt it was at least partially swollen from the bruising, but a week later, there’s no denying that i’ve gained weight in the past few months.
Yesterday, i was pondering all of this and then some. And it occurred to me that weight gain is listed as a possible side effect of amitriptyline, which i take for my fibromyalgia.
While my admittedly un-PC self balks somewhat at the whole privilege thing*, being well is a privilege. Being healthy (at any size) is a luxury. Being able to exercise at all (be it walking, yoga, bike riding, swimming, belly dancing - all of which i used to be able to enjoy) is a luxury. Being able to go through a single day without taking a single pill is a luxury that i just don’t have. The amitriptyline helps in that when i take it, my fibro doesn’t get better, but it doesn’t get worse. Sometimes Not Getting Worse is a form of progress.
This isn’t me saying that maybe i should stop taking my meds because of a relatively irrelevant side effect. This isn’t me saying i should bathe in magical unicorn pee (nudemuse, i so adore you for that phrase) to lose weight. This also isn’t me feeling sorry for myself.
This is me saying that if it’s a trade off between feeling physically better(ish) and not gaining weight? Easy call. If taking that little tiny pill every night means i feel better but gain a bit of weight, then i keep taking that little tiny pill every night, because it makes me hurt less - or at least, i don’t start hurting more. The fibro is a threat to my well-being, and according to my doctor and her thorough testing, my size is not a problem.
And on that note? I’m going to go buy myself some pants that damn well fit. I will neither apologize nor feel ashamed about it. And then i’m going to brainstorm on how to make myself more comfortable with the changing shape of my body. Because while i can accept my size on an intellectual level, the (admittedly wonky as of late) emotional side is having problems coping.
* - mostly because you cannot tell what sort of privileges a person does or does not enjoy by just looking at them, and judging anyone by what they are on the outside is wrong, no matter what side of the equation you’re on. And anyone reading this is welcome to think i’m an asshole for it, but it’s not up for discussion.
July 5, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Bigger pants are clearly the answer here. Go get them, and have fun!
And you’re right. Sometimes not getting worse is actually progress.
I’ll be thinking good thoughts for your liver…which sounds utterly bizarre, but is really meant kindly.
July 5, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Lindsay, go shopping!!!
I honestly think, if I were in your position, I would be of the same opinion as you. A little bit of weight gain is a small price to pay compared to the alternative.
(And while I agree that examining one’s OWN privilege [or lack thereof] is a good thing, I have to say that I do agree with this: you cannot tell what sort of privileges a person does or does not enjoy by just looking at them. You definitely have a point there.)
July 5, 2008 at 3:56 pm
Bruising from an ultrasound? That sounds wrong to me, I wonder if the tech was not properly trained. I’ve had pregnancy ultrasounds, and my husband has had cardiac ultrasounds, and never have we had pain or bruising like you describe. I think if you have to go back, ask for a different person to do the procedure, or even go to a different facility if you can.
And you are completely right to pick the bigger pants, hope you find some cute ones! I got some plain ones for my third grade daughter and have promised to sew some sequins on for stars and the moon to make them glittery and pretty for her.
July 5, 2008 at 5:31 pm
I read that toe wiggling helps you relax other muscles. I really hear you on this post and appreciate it so much. (Your footnote, I think, sums up perfectly how I feel, too.)
July 5, 2008 at 7:11 pm
My cat was on amitriptyline for years, and she gained four pounds (substantial) while on it, and lost it within six months of changing to a new medicine. The meds also kept her pain-free and thus alive. So I’d say that sounds right in terms of the side effect, and I agree that pills + new pants = the way to go.
July 5, 2008 at 7:18 pm
I wiggle my toes when I’m in pain too. Maybe it’s a fibro thing
I’ve noticed I’ve gained a bit the last few months as well, and I’ve been having to take my pain meds much more often over those months. *sigh* But really, not being in pain is sooooooo worth is.
July 5, 2008 at 8:28 pm
I involuntarily wiggle my toes when I’m laying down, which is when all the hip and lower back pain hits me at once.
I think pants are evil. I mean, I own a lot of elastic waist broomstick skirts simply because I got tired of playing the “will my pants fit today?” game.
Good luck with the pants shopping. Wal-Mart had a couple of skirts online for $10 in the clearance section too, mostly in 4x. I think you can still get them to ship stuff to the store for free, but I haven’t tried in a while. There’s also a pair of pants in a 26/28 for $11. I dunno what size you wear, so those could be way too big.
July 5, 2008 at 10:03 pm
Some ultrasound techs are convinced that they have to press really hard on people with fat bellies or a fat whatever-bit-is-being-examined. This is not true. Pressing harder does not make it easier for the sound waves to travel through your fat or any other tissue, because you still have the same amount of tissue between the outside of you and the organ in question, it’s just compressed up a bit, maybe. It might seem, to a less-educated tech, that a shorter distance between your skin and your liver is the logical thing to aim for, but that’s just not how sound works - when we’re talking about relatively tiny distances like people’s bodies, there’s no difference. And it’s the kind of substances that the sound waves have to travel through that count here - our bodies are very liquidy (even the fat bits), sound travels quite well through liquids, and voila, pictures of your insides, WITHOUT pressing hard.
I would call that diagnostic clinic and ask that the tech you saw be reminded of this.
July 6, 2008 at 5:48 pm
great post. it really hits home, as a number of the medications i’ve been on over the past decade to control my depression and ocd have had weight gain as a side effect. i’ve finally found a cocktail of meds that works for me, but it makes it easy for me to gain weight, and hard to lose it. i got into a huge fight with my mom a week ago, because she wants me to try different meds, because “the right ones won’t make you gain weight”. i told her that five or six years of switching meds to find the right combo was miserable, and now i’m feeling great and there’s no reason to mess with that, and that i’d rather be fat than miserable. my depression is completely under control, and the ocd has been reduced to a level that i can function with. she went on to say that the right meds would completely fix the depression AND the ocd, and then on about how i can’t possibly be healthy, and if my meds are making me unhealthy they can’t be the right ones for me, and yadda yadda yadda. I reminded her that all of my tests are fine (bp, cholesterol, etc). and she goes, well, it’ll catch up with you someday, kate. then she had the audacity to suggest that i need to talk to a therapist because i obviously have underlying issues that are keeping me fat. i told her i had nothing to talk about, and if i ever do, i’ll find a counselor (i’ve always been good about doing so in the past) and she goes, “well, i think you do have things to talk about, you just don’t know it”. ARGH. If i have things to talk about, they’re her fault.
i was proud of myself because i didn’t let her make me cry (yay!) but the whole conversation just pointed out how much about my life she doesn’t GET. like, that there ARE no magical cures for most mental illness, and the fact that i’m doing as well as I am is a miracle in and of itself. and that it’s possible to be fat and happy, and fat and healthy. or that someone might actually forgo thinness for happiness. heaven forbid. of course, she also says things to my dad and i (the two fat people in the family) like, “i don’t get why it’s so hard for you to lose weight. you just have to eat less.” she literally JUST DOES NOT GET IT. my dad is of big italian stock, and i mostly got his genes. my mom is 5′7″ and her highest non-pregnancy weight was probably 140. she makes no attempt to even try to understand that people might have different realities from her.
sorry for the vent. just had to get it out…